The Fruitcake Tuesday December 20, 2005, 6 comments

It is a little known fact that the archangel Lucifer was not only the brightest of all angels before the fall, but also Heaven’s foremost baker (check out the Apocrypha for validation). Still seething from the humiliation of being cast from heaven after the war (started after a controversial 2-1 vote cast against his butter tarts), the dark lord found himself in the kitchens of hell, laughing maniacally as he combined the green candied fruit, dense batters and unnamable nuts that would eventually become the (f)root of all evil. Eve wasn’t tempted with an apple. That was just lazy translation.

If there is a single universal constant, it’s the speed of light. If there are two, they are the speed of light, and the fruitcake. It has existed almost since the dawn of time, and when the last suns wink out, leaving the universe empty and cold, only the fruitcake will remain, having absorbed all the matter in the universe into itself.

The true nature of the fruitcake is not understood. Like all things quantum, it exists in all places at all times, but unlike most quantum phenomena, the fruitcake also exists in all emotional states. It is known that there is only one fruitcake, which has been tagged by Soviet scientists (in 1965) with a radioactive tracer, in order to track the movement of the fruitcake. Science can’t tell us much, but it has shown us the nature of the fruitcake’s motion. Somewhere in Kazakhstan, a radar screen deep in an underground bunker shows the path of the fruitcake.

We all know the fruitcake. We have all received the fruitcake. We’ve all locked it away in a box with the rest of the Christmas decorations for the remainder of the year, out of sight, out of mind. We’ve all unpacked it the next Christmas and given it to someone else, just another link in an endless chain

As Lucifer had intended, fruitcake truly is the gift we keep on giving.


Comments

Jorge Tuesday December 20, 2005


I actually like fruitcake.

Adrian Tuesday December 20, 2005


Says something, doesn’t it.

Jorge Wednesday December 21, 2005


Yes.
That the Devil can kiss my ass and take a vacation because I am moving in.

Daniel Wednesday December 21, 2005


I believe that the One True Fruitcake is actually one facet of a multidimensional Fruitmass. Through the study of quantum entanglement informed by data from the Mars Explorer, as well as some Hubble images of gravitational lensing from a region in the Deep Hubble Field, we hope to close in on a theory which finds the Fruitmass is the dark (and nutty) matter which holds the Universe from self-destructive hyperexpansion.

And I used to like it, too.

chris Monday January 2, 2006


mmmmm… fruitcake.
~c

el tigra Monday January 2, 2006


Well I’ve done a straw poll of most available parties, and you’re representing the views of an isolated minority I’m afriad…

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