A Rain of Frogs

Parenting doesn’t have to be difficult, it just requires some imagination. I am about to offer you a conflict-free method for getting your kids to clean their bedrooms. Conversations revolving around cleaning bedrooms are probably among the most complicated parent-child interactions, and anything that makes it smoother is probably a good thing.

Imagine, if you will, going and buying one of those anatomical skeleton models from a medical supply store. Not an adult size one, but one that matches the skeleton of an average ten year old. Assemble carefully, being sure to pose it in a realistic manner.

Raid your child’s closet, and dress the skeleton. Shorts and a t-shirt would work. Maybe some socks and shoes too. And a ball cap. Don’t overdo it though. Make sure it looks natural.

Insert skeleton in front hall closet. Tell nobody.

Not only is this a wicked funny joke to play on guests, it’s an excellent motivation for your own children. While arguing about cleaning bedrooms or doing chores (whatever), say something to the effect of “Do you know what happens to kids that don’t clean their bedrooms?” Then, fitting it as naturally into the conversation as possible, ask your child to get your shoes out of the front hall closet.

Guaranteed clean room.

I don’t usually write about politics, but seriously, this is so bad it’s almost satirical. I HAD to write about it.

Yes, the Conservative party of Canada is going to force an election, to drive our corrupt liberal party out of power and assume the sceptre as a new and righteous minority government.

It would seem that the Liberal party was covering up a huge scandal, generally called the “Adscam” in which they were accepting massive kickbacks from advertising agencies in return for giving those ad agencies the contracts in the first place. That’s downright illegal, and I think anyone involved should be up on criminal charges.

For those who don’t understand Canadian politics (and who does, really), we have two major parties, called the Conservatives (blue) and Liberals (red). We have, after that, many smaller parties, the two largest of which are the National Democratic Party (NDP, orange) and the Bloc Quebeqois, a party created to aid in the separation of the province of Quebec from the rest of the country.

Currently, the Liberal party has power, but only in minority. The Conservatives hold the title of Official Oppostion, meaning they are the second largest party in the house. The balance of power is held by the Bloc and the NDP.

Back to our current crisis. The Conservative party, led by the heroic Stephen Harper,a man with thick lips that remind one of two slabs of raw liver flapping against one another, feels the liberals are corrupt, which they are, and that this somehow gives the Conservative party the moral authority to lead the country. Therefore, they are going to force an election, despite the fact that the inquiry (called by the Liberals) into the Adscam is not complete. To make things more muddy, the Liberal party has publicly declared they will call an election within 30 days of the end of the inquiry.

When the scandal broke, all three other major parties were quick to scream foul at the Liberals. Then, suddenly, the Bloc got very quiet. And then, the NDP got very quiet – so quiet they bailed the Liberal party out of a possible non-confidence vote. The Conservatives, led by a creepy-eyed, meat-mouthed christian fundamentalist apparently granted the moral authority to judge by God himself, are still screaming.

If Stephen Harper thinks God is going to save his bacon when, in the midst of an unwanted election campaign, it comes out that not only were the Liberals, the Bloc and the NDP all involved in taking kickbacks at one level or another, but that the Conservatives themselves were waist deep in the smelly, he’s more broken in the head than I believed – and that’s saying something.

Forcing this election right now is going to end up giving the Liberal government yet another majority government. I think they’re doing a bad job, and we need something better, but the Conservative Party of God is NOT the answer.

remember a time when
we were all old souls
and that was cool
we were so different
so much better than the rest.

now we’re older and
our souls are begging
to be young again
afraid the years they’ve had
were already the best.

remember a time when
we could feel so deep
that it hurt so much
to be liked enough
to find someone to love.

and it was so hard
to show how we felt
because it hurt so much
like the hands lifting us up
were crushing us down from above.

Today you’re going to endure a small mental exercize in which I am going to blow off steam at your expense. We’re going to have TWO subtopics, completely unrelated.

The Strollermom phenomenon

There is this phenomenon – and seriously I can only call it a phenomenon, a word here which means “a thing which is observed to happen” – in my over-junkmailed city which constantly amazes me. My walk to work every day takes me past several interesting wide spaces in the road, where people can often be seen to congregate. Sometimes you can see them huddled together in dowdy little packs puffing their cigarettes in defiance of the weather. Other times it’s teenagers trying to skateboard. Our city has the worst skateboarders on the planet.

But more and more frequently, it’s a pack of Strollermoms.

A Strollermom is a woman, usually in her late twenties or early thirties. She is characterized by her jaunty running clothing (tight, to show off her rather attractive body), her crisp white running shoes, shoulder-length but stylish coif, and most notably, a three-wheeled stroller containing one (or sometimes two) fairly newborn babies.

These new mothers congregate downtown, and proceed to jog for some undeterminable time. They travel in packs of ten to thirty, monopolizing the sidewalk and terrorizing everyone in their path. The call of the Strollermom is known to induce instrospection and a guilty feeling in those unfortunate enough to be within earshot.

Though little else is known about the Strollermom, it is surmized that when the pack disperses, she returns to her nest and mate – the khaki-legged, minivan driving bald (Not balled. Think about it.) headed husband.

Don’t Panic

I saw The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy on Friday. This was a movie soundly slammed by the critics for its complete failure to capture the essence of the much-loved Douglas Adams book.

This usually means I’m going to enjoy it. I rarely see eye to eye with movie critics, who seem to base their recommendations on an extremely complicated mathematical formula. Or chicken entrails. I can’t tell which. In either case, my instinct was right, and I thoroughly enjoyed the movie.

While I was stunned to find the story so much different than the book I loved so much, I can’t say the story was worse than the book. It was quite good. Also good was the general visual feel of the movie, quirky and playful. Excellent use of computer imagery was made, but not to a gratuitous level. This tasteful use of special effects was probably why the critics hated the movie so much.

I was pleasantly surprised by many of the choices made in the production of the movie. Zaphod’s second head was unexpected, and is perhaps my one complaint about the movie. On the other hand, Marvin (the paranoid android, voiced by the incomparable Alan Rickman) was sheer genius. I’m laughing right now, thinking about how deeply brilliant his design was.

The Heart of Gold was a surprise, a brilliant twist of the “book” version of the ship. The casting choices for Ford (Mos Def) and Trillian (Zooey Deschanel) were surprising as well. Pleasantly in the case of Mos, who’s quirky, vaguely homosexual mannerisms were ideally suited for the role, and not quite as pleasantly in the case of Zooey, whom I felt should have been significantly more hot and less clothed. Notwithstanding, she was adequately attractive and the clothing didn’t detract from the movie. Much.

Besides, John Malkovich was in the movie. That automatically makes it a must see, doesn’t it?

If you’re looking for a faithful adaptation of H2G2 from book to screen, this will disappoint you. If you’re looking for a fresh, witty interpretation of Adams’ seminal work, you’ve arrived.

Black. White. Rich. Poor. Good. Bad. Good. Evil. With us. Against us. I don’t know when the white canvas of the world got painted with this black brush of polarization, but it’s causing most of the problems we’re experiencing.

It’s long been said that many people see the world as black and white, and it’s long been held that shades of gray is the “open mined” way to view things, that failure to look at all the stuff between two extremes is bad. Of course it is.

What about all the colors? It’s one thing to see all the shades of grey, but I want to see all the colors. The nuances and timbres that make our world more than just a great place to live, but a fantastic place to explore.

The polarization of the world is sinking us into a rut of narrow-minded thinking. We’re stuck, and it’s not going to get any better unless we stop hard-lining our opinions and recognize that two things can be completely different and yet both can be correct. Red and blue both appear to be the same color when viewed in grayscale. They’re both correct for that value of grey, but they’re both completely different.

Like Judaism and Islam are both right. Just different. The only thing stopping people from understanding that is this bizarre, damaging polarization of thought.

The president of the United States last night stated emphatically that he did not understand why Iran wants to use nuclear power to generate electricity. After all, he went on, they have all the oil. What do they need nuclear power for. He then went on to discuss how untrustworthy the Iranians were. After about ten seconds of that I was successfully glazed over.

Narrow thoughts. Preconceived notions. Failure to acknowledge anything other than black and white. Being polarized.

It’ll be the undoing of giants.